Be your normal idiotic self
When you intend to live in the Netherlands, it may come to your attention that the Dutch are rather straightforward and don’t beat about the bush, and value consensus very highly. The Dutch manner of doing things may come across as rude or impolite to foreigners. They don’t seem to appreciate refined manners and formalities or etiquette. A Dutch saying says it all: "Just be your normal idiotic self".
Secretly a bit proud
In 1939 in the standard reference book on etiquette: "Hoe hoort het eigenlijk?" (a sort do’s and don’ts in etiquette) Amy Groskamp ter Have wrote in beautiful old fashioned Dutch:
"Whenever we Dutch speak of our distaste, perhaps horror, of etiquette and formalities, everyone, in fact, seems to think that this is quite normal. However, secretly we are rather proud of this quality as, in a manner of speaking, it represents a certain form of proud independence. Because – let’s be honest – this thing called etiquette is in fact nothing more than official fuss, ceremonies and a lot of bowing and scraping. We firmly believe that our choice for a pure and natural simplicity above the acquired and the “fetch and carry” style suits us completely."
("Wanneer wij Hollanders zeggen: wij hebben een verschrikkelijke hekel aan etiquette, dan vindt iedereen hier dat heel gewoon. Eigenlijk zijn wij er heimelijk een beetje trots op en wij vinden dat die hekel ons een zeker gevoel van fiere onafhankelijkheid geeft. Want –nietwaar- etiquette, dat betekent officieel gedoe, plichtplegingen en strijkages en wij vinden dat het ons ganselijk niet misstaat de natuurlijke eenvoud te verkiezen boven het aangeleerde en datgene wat wij spottend noemen: opzitten-en-pootjes-geven.")
A free spirited nation
This 'aversion' to etiquette probably has a great deal to do with the history of the country: the Netherlands became a republic in the sixteenth century amidst a Europe where monarchies and nobility dominated. In a stark contrast, the free spirited Dutch - civilians and tradesmen - on the other hand preferred equality and subsequently did everything in their power to set themselves against the elegant ways of the nobility. The French, the Germans and the Spanish of that period were astounded at the impudence and rudeness of the Dutch. This need for equality is still nestled firmly in our genes - the so-called 'Poldermodel' being one of the most prominent examples, where the interests of every one involved is taken into account, e.g. an employer and his employee, when making decisions concerning the policy of a company.
Being on a first name basis
One of these expressions of equality you may have noticed is the custom among the Dutch in a working environment to call each by their first name (so-called 'tutoyeren') rather quickly (=using 'je' and 'jij' instead of 'u'). This is true among colleagues, between employers and employees, clients/customers and suppliers. Still, it is perhaps better not automatically start off on a first name basis even though others do. Instead, adopt the rule of thumb from “Hoe hoort het eigenlijk?” : use 'u' if a situation is official, if you detect a difference in status, e.g. as applicant or as a younger person towards an older individual or if you have a once-only/single contact with someone either on the telephone or in person. It is prudent to allow the one with the 'higher' status to initiate the first name basis concept. On the other hand in case you feel it is too soon that someone assumes a first name basis with you, don’t hesitate to comment of it, e.g. by saying: "Als ik maar u tegen u mag zeggen." This is a friendly but subtle hint indicating that you don't yet appreciate being on a first name basis.
Social customs at work
When you work for a Dutch company, the lunches may already have caught your attention. In general, people usually eat a few sandwiches and drink a glass of milk. Lunch time, as a rule, lasts no longer than half an hour. This custom of taking a relatively short lunch supports the no-nonsense culture as well as the work ethos of the Dutch – a long lunch break is equal to wasting time. On the contrary, in many other countries, employees take more time to have lunch. They often eat a more elaborate meal away from the office; they may have a glass of wine or beer. Lunch is perceived as a moment to become better acquainted with colleagues and/or clients.
There are moments when colleagues meet outside working hours, away from the office. One of these moments is the so-called 'borrel'. This frequently happens on a Friday afternoon, usually with a drink (alcoholic as well as non-alcoholic beverages) and a snack. In addition, there are the births and birthdays when colleagues take the opportunity to 'socialize' by gathering and celebrating this event with coffee and cake at the desk of the colleague concerned. When a child is born the Dutch typically are treated to 'beschuit met muisjes' (a rusk with anisette sprinkles – pink for a girl and blue for a boy).
Visiting someone in their home
People in the Netherlands value their privacy enormously and invite a colleague only when a status of friendship has been reached. This, however, is not done without the presence of a diary or calendar as one must always take into account the numerous social obligations, their hobbies, or their sports activities. Dutch families especially keep to a very strict planning in order to fit in all the extracurricular activities of the parents and the kids. Children are fond of playing football, taking ballet or playing an instrument. Chauffeuring kids to and from these activities takes up a great deal of time. The weekend are often reserved for attending competitions and games or visiting families. It is therefore “not done” to call on someone unannounced, especially at supper time, which traditionally is round 6 o’clock in the evening. It is quite possible that you are then not heartily welcomed when the family is eating dinner and probably asked to wait in another room until the family has finished eating. Of course this is not true of everyone.
With a smile
Generally you will observe that contact with the Dutch occurs rather easily. Most people in the Netherlands love to travel and thus have been in touch with people of many different cultures. Even though you might not know exactly how to behave in a certain situation, don’t forget that a smile and a friendly word goes a long way to getting what you want.
Extra reading material
"Hoe hoort het eigenlijk?", Reinildis van Ditzhuyzen, Haarlem, 1999-2008
Trainingsadvies?
E-mail: devaal@horizongroep.nl
